She paced frantically from one end of the hallway to the next, then rushed back into the room stopping before the mirror, twisting and turning different angles and finally shrieked, “I won’t be able to compete!” Her husband did his best to reassure her that all would work out fine.

That frantic girl in the mirror. That’s me again.  Frantic. Frantic because as always, there’s always a struggle. I always have to jump through ten thousand hoops while everyone else coasts through life. I wish I could say I’m exaggerating but I’m not.  This applies to everything I do and have done and those closest to me have seen it and felt the raft of my frustration.

So when it comes to my fitness journey, it should not have been a surprise to me to be faced with obstacles, starting with my auto-immune disorder, that make my competition goals seem unattainable on some days. 

Auto-immune Disorders:

A little over 5 years ago I was diagnosed with celiac disease. The common misconception is that once you eliminate gluten from your life everything will go right back to normal. Nope. Celiac disease is an autoimmune disorder and there are a lot of issues surrounding autoimmune disorders.  One of those issues is that the disorders usually come as a trio. Meaning, you end up with one you likely will inherit three of them and they may not be at the same time. Worse than the timeline, is the whole mystery surrounding auto-immune disorders and the degree of severity can range depending on which unlucky trio you developed. It’s no surprise that people with auto-immune disorders will be wishing they only get skin problems rather than multiple sclerosis.  In my case, things crept up on me so I ended up with mysterious skin problems on my hands, severe inflammation, digestion problems and recently a bunch of food intolerances (let’s hope nothing else is brewing) The smallest thing can send my body in a state of inflammation and pain for three days or more. That small thing can be as basic as a zucchini. The bottom line is that the amount of inflammation it causes would maybe go unnoticed in my day to day wardrobe but I can’t go on stage in a teeny bikini looking like I have a Joey in the pouch when in fact I don’t and worked this hard. Even more frustrating is that this was somewhat under control and with 11 weeks to go before competition, I have “re-exploded” While everyone else is shredding away I’m blowing up and have my top people scrambling trying to help a girl like me out.

Stress and Cortisol:

“You’re in a constant state of flight or flight”  I have been told this phrase by many medical or sport professionals within the past two years.

“Nahh, really?”, is what goes on in my head sarcastically.  I usually just smile and don’t bother elaborating. Where would I even start?  Do I start with the morning events where I literally projected my body over furniture to avoid being slammed by someone’s fury and emotional dysregulation, the irate set of parents I had to calm down during my small administration task or my toddler being a typical toddler.  Find me one person that doesn’t have stress in their lives. Everyone does and this shouldn’t always be feared as it can teach us many valuable lessons and resilience. 

What’s alarming about my situation is that I wasn’t aware of my stress levels.  I thought I wasn’t stressed because I responded to stressful events around me with quick responses and ease but overtime, my brain learned that it wasn’t safe to shut off and I entered the dangerous stress cycle releasing cortisol to my body.  Add in my current lifestyle which has me clocking in about 4 hours or maximum 5 hours of sleep per night. Cortisol is not a friend and certainly not in alignment with bodybuilding as it can hinder muscle gain, weight loss and have other negative impacts on your body. In my case, it has added to the inflammation problem and muscle building has taken a long (enter the great word from last blog) TIME!

Extra Curveballs:

If you’ve ever seen the Hunger Games movie, there is a scene where they show the district team sitting behind control panels throwing obstacles at the contestants. I remember thinking this was an accurate representation of how things work out for me.  The calm before the storm. Sitting there doing my thing, working hard and then wham, an extra curve ball comes my way. Always living within the outliers or those rare little moments that come around to shake things up. The running gag in my family is to “call the priest” because someone has a serious bone to pick with me. I have to laugh because if I don’t I might give up and I can’t give up. It’s not an option. 

My Own Self: 

Enough said. I need to “overcome” myself and this needs its own blog piece.

When I decided to compete, I made a lot of assumptions about the sport and people participating.  I cannot speak of other athletes journey, only of my own and I have come to see that we may end up at the same destination but many players will have taken a different path to get there.  My path is arduous, long, curvy and sometimes lonely but it is a part of what makes me. I will fight and get where I want to go and need to be because I am dedicated, committed, capable, passionate and strong. Now get out of my way…