Over the weekend, I asked a friend how she was adjusting to motherhood and she admitted that she often reflected back to something I had suggested to her a few months ago.  “You told me not to have expectations”, she declared.  Indeed, I had said just that.

The word “expect” means to wait for, imagine or demand, and frankly I do not have the time to wait for things, imagining is not really getting me anywhere and demanding is arrogance.  Instead, having “standards”, allow an idea or decision to be more concrete and part of your principles and belief system.  The problem with expectations is that they do not set in motion the actual behaviours that makes what we want occur, rather we just sit and expect and wait for them to happen and when they don’t we are disappointed.  Expectations, in my opinion, are in the same category as taking things for granted and will only lead to disappointment.

I had no expectations for my marriage.  I imagine many of you to be stunned with this statement.  It’s the truth.  I don’t expect my marriage to last a lifetime, I would like for it to and try to work hard at it because relationships take effort.  The same way you can’t expect a flower to bloom without care, you cannot expect a relationship to be positive or long lasting without care.  Some relationships are high maintenance and require a lot of nurturing and effort and others need less to thrive.  On a side note, it is worth mentioning that it’s important for you to figure out what type of maintenance level is necessary for your relationship to succeed.  I have an awesome husband.  He is truly my partner, my lover and my friend.  Despite my love for him, there are times that we butt heads (or that I really want to crack him one) but I try not to expect anything from him.   I did not expect my husband to take out the garbage or help with the duties of being a parent.  I would like for these things to occur and while for most things I don’t have to say it because he does it willingly and without having to be nudged, some of you out there may have someone that needs to be nudged and this is fine but for the sake of your relationship do not sit and wait.  VOICE what you would like and what you need.  It is so much more gratifying and empowering to be able to communicate and express what works for you and what does not. 

I already know some of you may be reading this and assuming that I prefer to “settle for less”.  This is false and anyone who knows me well enough, especially in the classroom setting as a teacher knows that I set high standards for my students and encourage them to do their best.  I don’t use labels as excuses or childhood disorders as a reason for difficulty, but rather just understand that some people will come to achieve a goal differently or by taking longer.  I do not expect my students to perform well.  I have high standards and hopes that they do and I communicate this to them directly and I try my best to help them and teach them.  Sometimes I fail and I know that if I have done poorly this may impact or hinder their success but I never just expect and neither should you. 

Countless times I have heard friends, family and acquaintances talk about their expectations and how their partners or people surrounding them have not lived up.  Quite frankly, I would not want to live up to someone’s expectations so why should I impose that on others.  If you want something you will have to set the standard and engage in the behaviours and mindset that can nourish that into a reality.  

I do not have the answer to a perfect marriage, life or parenthood.  I am still learning as I go.  I didn’t expect my baby to sleep through her nights but I was prepared with books, advice from friends and armour as I waited for those battles to commence.   I tried to learn and expend my resources on solving the problems instead of fantasizing what things should be like.  The point is that the only time I have ever struggled and felt disappointed is when I have set specific expectations in mind, and often that disappointment is not even from my own belief system, but rather not coming up to par with someone else’s mindset of how things should be like.  I learned to divulge my time setting standards, goals and working on my communication skills.  I believe that communication is the foundation in healthy relationships but it is also important to have a realistic mindset.

While you allow your mind to expect, there is no action being taken and when your expectation doesn’t happen, you not only gain disappointment, but lose out on real opportunities in your life.

Life will go on despite how you envisioned it, so liberate yourself from those expectations.   Set the bar high in your life and with time, things may just begin to align themselves differently.

by Diana Antonacci