My awesome sister warned me some time ago before a big new day that I may not be welcomed with open arms. I’m usually the blunt one but wow did she put me in my place that day. Her words seemed harsh and stung yet in no time I understood her message and quickly felt lonely roaming trying to make sense of things.

You see people have a natural tendency to categorize. It gives comfort to provide a label and neatly “file” people. I know this not only from experience but from what I have witnessed in education as early as preschool years. “Different” envokes the unknown. It envokes fear, feelings of unpredictability, resentment, and worse depending on how vast from the norm the differences are. Everyone fits neatly in a compartment of labels, norms, rules, categories and more until that square peg comes along. I’m the square peg. I have friends and great relationships and supporters but in some ways I am that peg or the black sheep that strays. The “outlier” and the more anyone sets too many limits or tries to fit me into a mold the more I retaliate (go talk to my dad…it started pretty young).

I have always been someone with many interests and the more I’ve tried to shut out those parts of me the more chaos and detriment I created. I need variety in some areas of my life to make sense of things. So what may appear as a chaotic life to some is therapeutic and much required in mine. My normal is “busy” but stimulating to me.  In fact, when it comes to certain parts of me, I do not believe I need to be “monogamous” like you would with a partner. “Diana” is a woman, a mother, a lover, a sibling, a daughter, an educator, a leader, a scholar, an entrepreneur and an aspiring author, and an aspiring athlete. All of these things coexist within me and are part of my identity and more.  Some of them are intense or come with heavy burdens and some take up more space and time but I am to decide what and how much I give to each of these areas. The best loyalty is that to myself and my values. Only then can I reciprocate this with others.

This makes me no less dedicated or committed to my crafts but rather keeps me motivated to reach for my goals and aspire to be my greatest self. I am no means shaming anyone that doesn’t follow this lifestyle. There are plenty out there that have been content with their profession or hobby from the time they were all young. That’s great and wonderful but it doesn’t make you OR I less deserving or valuable. We need to see past that in people and understand that there are many facets to a person and their individuality.  No one has to choose.  So can I be and educator and an entrepreneur/baker? Why the hell not? In fact, the majority of people can’t do this in their “youth” because they need the time to grow. Life experiences and some resources are required because most of us don’t have anyone handing us a wad of cash and saying, “Go on little one and open up shop”. Can I be a baker and an athlete?   Yup, I stood there on stage once and can do it again and will (Coach Ludachris stop yelling) I decide my limits.  The only thing that can block that is a lack of health and perhaps forced times of this pandemic. I am a fantastic gluten-free baker and my company has value because the person standing behind it is valuable, dedicated and has a potential that’s only scratched the surface. That bothers some people out there who gawk and wonder where this “baker” came from all of a sudden. I woke up. That’s what happened now do your thing and mind your own business while I tend to mine. I’m a great teacher too and a natural leader so when someone tells me I have to choose, I don’t have to do no such thing and if I do the choice is mine to make. In fact, this combination made me share with my students many times that they could and should pursue many hobbies and passions and that they could and can change their minds about career choices.  This perception is what often allowed me to see past the student in the past in crisis to the strengths inside them. Because if you only focus on one area of a person you miss out on many parts of them.  There are many things I wanted to tell my students and many things I did not get to share with them. Like the time I told them it took courage to stand before people and wait for them to come to try a cookie and want to buy that cookie while so many other products don’t give the time of day to even bother doing that. But perhaps a great lesson to share would be to not allow anyone to set a preconceived set of limitations on them and to not tolerate it being set on others. Be open to different opportunities as they are often catalysts to growth.

I told a friend recently that I work hard, am good at what I do and that I don’t ride on any one’s coattails. I achieve on my own merits and I am dedicated to the things I pursue and the people I surround myself with. I am working to being my best and most authentic self and to know my own worth and if we all were to do the same instead of trying to set boundaries on people, there would be a little less chaos everywhere.

During this heavy quarantine period, many of us have filled our time going on social media sites and following different people, businesses etc… You may have noted that there are several types of followers out there.  We are all driven by different things and that’s fine. I’m not here to judge but merely sharing observations because I am a very perceptive person.  So here are some types I’ve discovered along the way:

Believers: This is your true fan list. They believe in you or your product or preferably both (because why buy into a product if you don’t believe in the person that stands behind it) These people are genuinely proud to follow you, share your joys and are public about it. Hang on to these gems!

Incognito: These are the followers that will appear from time to time but won’t actually follow you. Often interactions leave you with more questions than answers. Why aren’t they following you then? They’re in and then they’re out and they seem to not want anyone to know that they know you.

Voyeurs or Snoopers : They follow you because they want to see what you are up to. It’s sheer curiosity and nothing else. Your posts are like porn (and well some of you are naked too…)

Mole: Moles are like voyeurs but worse. They want to see what you’re up to but they also share or report your feeds to people that want information about you. Don’t get overly excited by the illusion of support.

Politicians: The ones that reach out from time to time with empty promises or statements.

Guilt-infected: The guilt infected ones follow you because they feel they have to but sometimes they may not actually like your content. They tend to be the innocent players that get all offended and shit when you call them out.

Traitors. Obvious isn’t it? Your friend has the goods but you go shop elsewhere? Not a friend then. Because a good friend will shop from you or help you improve as a person or help you perfect your craft.

You must be wondering how this is helpful to you reading this right now? Well for one be mindful first and foremost which one you behave like. I can sit and draw up many different characters but it gets real uncomfortable when we have to shine the light inward. Forget what everyone else is doing. Don’t be an asshole. Follow people you believe in and are inspired by. They say your vibe attracts your tribe. Or like a boomerang what you put out you will receive. So be mindful of your own energy.

Hope you had a good laugh and love me more for who I am. 

 

 

In the best of times or pre Covid-19, we compare.  We compare physiques, lifestyles, jobs, assets and the list goes on. Who has more, who has less of everything and anything. We would absolutely be lying to each other and ourselves if we said we have never compared at some point. Some people have learned and utilized coping mechanisms to shut out those variables and some compare incessantly and are plagued with envy, jealousy and insecurity and are constantly fumbling to seek out validation in some way. These are some behaviour and thought patterns that we have taken part in on the best of days. 

Now in this moment of difficulty, not only are we continuing to compare but we have now added guilt and shame to our plates. Some of it has been brought on by ourselves and some of it has been put on us for others.  “Anna” has their kid on an academic schedule while you can barely make it through the day doing one activity with your kid. “Mary” had to shut down their business while yours is still operating. Jack is still paid and barely working hours while you are laid off. How dare you say you have it hard right now?  It can be worse right? “Stop being so ungrateful” “At least you have an income” 

How dare you complain about the dead ends of your hair when people are dead from Covid-19.  How dare you complain about being home while nurse Jackie is out in the trenches at the hospital.  

Their realities are real. Their sacrifices are real and their losses are real.  

Real to the point that just hearing about some of these losses makes me feel a deep grief for them. 

But so are your losses and my losses and no one’s losses should be judged right now.  In order to build resilience and to come out of this we need to also process these losses.  We need to feel it. We need to verbalize it. We need to learn to navigate through them and build up otherwise we will emerge from this losing more than we think and we run the risk of becoming hostile and repressed. This right now is not about being positive or grateful.  I think a lot of people have the term “positive” confused. Being positive is not a constant state of being. Being positive does not mean negating or oppressing negative feelings. You can be positive but still feel a negative emotion at some point through your day, within an hour etc…That’s being human. 

According to Brene Brown, “Perspective is a function of our experience”.  

Not everyone experiences hardships and situations the same way, thus it’s important we keep this in mind.  We all have losses right now.  Not a single one of us is emerging from this with zero impact and though some may have minimal impacts compared to others, those losses are real for us. In each of our lives right now we are losing out. We are losing time with loved ones and some people don’t have a lot of time left. Some lovers are together and some are apart.  We may be losing a sense of our autonomy. We are losing our ability to work in our careers or jobs we love. Or maybe we are losing careers we don’t love but still losing an income. We are losing a part of our identities. Maybe the goals and things we had planned will be put on hold for some time, or maybe forever.  Maybe I don’t have a ton of bakeries that I need to pay rent for but my business setback takes me back almost back to the start. That’s still a loss.  Some of us are losing out on opportunities. Maybe we had a really important meeting that was cancelled. Will it be rescheduled? No guarantees. Maybe when we reconvene, we will have to face the reality that “we” are no longer a priority in someone else’s life. Where you once fit in so snuggly maybe just doesn’t work anymore.  

The point is we all had plans. Everyone’s plans came to an abrupt halt. You have weddings that are postponed and funerals that were never held. 

So while I am grateful for my health and that I get to quarantine in a loving home and still have income, a part of my goals, dreams, desires, ambitions, just got squandered.  Who am I to measure or rank someone’s losses? All the unknowns people face. So many questions, so much uncertainty.  And on some days it feels like a part of me has been buried alive. 

So your teenager complaining they can’t see their friend?  Are they dying? No thankfully, but the emotions that they are feeling are valid and need to be addressed. These emotions and the roller coaster of emotions that we are all feeling don’t just go away because you wake up one day and decide to be “grateful” or “positive” .  I’m grateful for what I have. I am also pissed as fuck right now for what I lost or no longer have access to. That’s real and not anyone’s place to shame me for.  

Understanding helps build resilience. We are already disconnected physically but empathy and compassion right now are the glue that could keep us from truly disconnecting from one another.  Physical proximity means nothing if you cannot connect to someone intellectually or with compassion. We need not shame or compare but reach out more than ever with support , encouragement and understanding.

Let’s let people feel, otherwise no one will heal. 

 

“You can’t compete”….

So began a series of arguments between my team coach and I. It didn’t and still doesn’t sit well with me. In a past blog, I said that it wasn’t necessary for people to go compete but rather to find a sport or outlet that you love and want to do. Competitions are not for everyone nor are they necessary, nor should they be used as a measure of someone’s fitness.  Weight training became a sanctuary for me in recent years, yet as much as I enjoy it and it helps relieve some of my pressures, it’s not always an easy task. In fact it’s very demanding physically and mentally. While I got the green light from my doctors, they did point out that the intense training and the diet could actually increase my inflammation, as well as aggravate my digestive system which are two chronic issues I already battle with.  For my character having goals are important for me to seek those opportunities to reach for the stars. For me, this was never about a win but being able to accomplish something for myself, to step out of my comfort zone, to evolve, grow and exceed one version of myself to another. Obviously, there is a fleeting moment of fantasy where we imagine a big win and medal. Who wouldn’t? Regardless, just being there is an accomplishment because the work was put in. From the beginning, I had invested financially and mentally and was slated initially to do more than one competition.  Having to hold this off for an undetermined amount of time is not something that I have taken lightly.  It’s often caused a lot of resentment and made me feel very inadequate, especially with the transformation before and afters or almost nude woman that were bombarding my feed (blog 13: protect your peace. If it’s not inspiring to you, unfollow). Much of the resentment I have felt stems from the reasons I have had to hold back like…

Not fitting the mold

Being fairly new to the sport of bodybuilding, I believed (mistakenly) that standing on stage with all that muscle was a symbol of strength, tenacity, dedication and more.  I loved this idea. Some women are sparked by long lashes etc..,I appreciated muscles and looked forward to them showing up on my body. Unfortunately, I learned that in my current condition I don’t fit the mold of the industry. I am thick waisted genetically so no matter what I do, I don’t have a teeny itty bitty waist and then explode into boobs and ass like what’s trending. To continue to fit into the bikini category is like setting myself for failure each and every time as my blueprint fits more into a figure category. Guess what? I apparently am “too small” or underdeveloped in some areas for that.  Too big for one,  not big enough for another and there you have it I end up feeling rejected and stuck in between two molds. It’s like the heavy set girl busting out of a tutu.  Standards like this take away from the fitness and dedication required and make it seem like just another beauty pageant camouflaged in muscle. Let me go grab a slim jane from a beach, build her a big ass and then throw her on stage with her stick straight hair and crown her. What about the people that don’t look like that? Where do they go? Where do they fit in? People offended reading this will likely just sneer and say I’m just a “big” girl upset or assume like some people have already done that I eat crap all day.  No, I’m upset because regardless of what I look like right now or what they think I should look like, I still train like I’m going on stage and still eat like I have to go on stage and apply myself.  I need to feel  purpose. I need to feel a positive gain. After a while, waking up early, eating the same 5 foods daily and lifting, pushing or pulling obscene numbers when I could be doing a lot of other things, isn’t going to be fun and makes me lose my spark.  The same way single digit body fat is not sustainable, neither is that. I’m happy to have a fit lifestyle but there needs to be some incentive too.

Another reason I can’t get on stage, is that 

There’s a whole lot more to me….

This year compared to last, there is a whole lot more to me.  Literally and figuratively. I don’t know how I made it to the stage last year with everything I had going on, but I somehow did, but this year, I just have too much.  Growing a business with everything else that I have going on has eaten up most of my resources, time, energy and sanity. Last year, I used to rip off my apron and meet my posing teacher all disheveled on the weekend, then run back to work and continue. This year, you will not be able to get enough of a pose in front of a mirror long enough for me to notice my hair is a disaster (I also accepted that it will do it’s own thing…like the rebellious side of me).  I have two employments that I insist on doing well. One is a full blown career that I have invested most of my life in, the other my growing business that I would like to see thrive. But I also need to be a mom and a wife and many other things. My daughter needs to develop her own character and fitness, so I need to allow a venue and space to nurture that too. I also need to be healthy and my body has produced so much cortisol that I have had many setbacks health and fitness wise.  If I continue to push my limits, I will end up failing in many of these areas or getting sick.

My coaches and I have had many battles this past year not seeing eye to eye.  As much as part of me still holds some resentment, I appreciate that they are looking out for my well being and that they know I am hanging by a thread.  A few months ago I was told, “You can do anything but you can’t do everything” It’s taken a long time for me to see (although I still hate it) that it can all be done, at it’s right time, but not at the same time. There will always be a competition out there, but there will not always be an opportunity for me to grow my business.  Right now this booty doesn’t fit the mold, but then again, even within my business, I never aimed to be a typical cookie cutter.

The lights are dim until booty and biscotti can be center stage to shine.

 

This week’s blog is a compilation video of some moments, writing blurbs and videos of my journey these past few months.

I have learned a lot about this sport and myself throughout this journey.  I have learned that some paths are not to be taken and sometimes life leads you to unexpected places. If you had told me a year ago that I would be embarking on my first bodybuilding competition and having a baking/food business I would have laughed in your face with disbelief.

Anything is possible. We need to believe and eventually our time will come to shine…

Thank you for watching and your support.