In the best of times or pre Covid-19, we compare.  We compare physiques, lifestyles, jobs, assets and the list goes on. Who has more, who has less of everything and anything. We would absolutely be lying to each other and ourselves if we said we have never compared at some point. Some people have learned and utilized coping mechanisms to shut out those variables and some compare incessantly and are plagued with envy, jealousy and insecurity and are constantly fumbling to seek out validation in some way. These are some behaviour and thought patterns that we have taken part in on the best of days. 

Now in this moment of difficulty, not only are we continuing to compare but we have now added guilt and shame to our plates. Some of it has been brought on by ourselves and some of it has been put on us for others.  “Anna” has their kid on an academic schedule while you can barely make it through the day doing one activity with your kid. “Mary” had to shut down their business while yours is still operating. Jack is still paid and barely working hours while you are laid off. How dare you say you have it hard right now?  It can be worse right? “Stop being so ungrateful” “At least you have an income” 

How dare you complain about the dead ends of your hair when people are dead from Covid-19.  How dare you complain about being home while nurse Jackie is out in the trenches at the hospital.  

Their realities are real. Their sacrifices are real and their losses are real.  

Real to the point that just hearing about some of these losses makes me feel a deep grief for them. 

But so are your losses and my losses and no one’s losses should be judged right now.  In order to build resilience and to come out of this we need to also process these losses.  We need to feel it. We need to verbalize it. We need to learn to navigate through them and build up otherwise we will emerge from this losing more than we think and we run the risk of becoming hostile and repressed. This right now is not about being positive or grateful.  I think a lot of people have the term “positive” confused. Being positive is not a constant state of being. Being positive does not mean negating or oppressing negative feelings. You can be positive but still feel a negative emotion at some point through your day, within an hour etc…That’s being human. 

According to Brene Brown, “Perspective is a function of our experience”.  

Not everyone experiences hardships and situations the same way, thus it’s important we keep this in mind.  We all have losses right now.  Not a single one of us is emerging from this with zero impact and though some may have minimal impacts compared to others, those losses are real for us. In each of our lives right now we are losing out. We are losing time with loved ones and some people don’t have a lot of time left. Some lovers are together and some are apart.  We may be losing a sense of our autonomy. We are losing our ability to work in our careers or jobs we love. Or maybe we are losing careers we don’t love but still losing an income. We are losing a part of our identities. Maybe the goals and things we had planned will be put on hold for some time, or maybe forever.  Maybe I don’t have a ton of bakeries that I need to pay rent for but my business setback takes me back almost back to the start. That’s still a loss.  Some of us are losing out on opportunities. Maybe we had a really important meeting that was cancelled. Will it be rescheduled? No guarantees. Maybe when we reconvene, we will have to face the reality that “we” are no longer a priority in someone else’s life. Where you once fit in so snuggly maybe just doesn’t work anymore.  

The point is we all had plans. Everyone’s plans came to an abrupt halt. You have weddings that are postponed and funerals that were never held. 

So while I am grateful for my health and that I get to quarantine in a loving home and still have income, a part of my goals, dreams, desires, ambitions, just got squandered.  Who am I to measure or rank someone’s losses? All the unknowns people face. So many questions, so much uncertainty.  And on some days it feels like a part of me has been buried alive. 

So your teenager complaining they can’t see their friend?  Are they dying? No thankfully, but the emotions that they are feeling are valid and need to be addressed. These emotions and the roller coaster of emotions that we are all feeling don’t just go away because you wake up one day and decide to be “grateful” or “positive” .  I’m grateful for what I have. I am also pissed as fuck right now for what I lost or no longer have access to. That’s real and not anyone’s place to shame me for.  

Understanding helps build resilience. We are already disconnected physically but empathy and compassion right now are the glue that could keep us from truly disconnecting from one another.  Physical proximity means nothing if you cannot connect to someone intellectually or with compassion. We need not shame or compare but reach out more than ever with support , encouragement and understanding.

Let’s let people feel, otherwise no one will heal.