“You can’t compete”….

So began a series of arguments between my team coach and I. It didn’t and still doesn’t sit well with me. In a past blog, I said that it wasn’t necessary for people to go compete but rather to find a sport or outlet that you love and want to do. Competitions are not for everyone nor are they necessary, nor should they be used as a measure of someone’s fitness.  Weight training became a sanctuary for me in recent years, yet as much as I enjoy it and it helps relieve some of my pressures, it’s not always an easy task. In fact it’s very demanding physically and mentally. While I got the green light from my doctors, they did point out that the intense training and the diet could actually increase my inflammation, as well as aggravate my digestive system which are two chronic issues I already battle with.  For my character having goals are important for me to seek those opportunities to reach for the stars. For me, this was never about a win but being able to accomplish something for myself, to step out of my comfort zone, to evolve, grow and exceed one version of myself to another. Obviously, there is a fleeting moment of fantasy where we imagine a big win and medal. Who wouldn’t? Regardless, just being there is an accomplishment because the work was put in. From the beginning, I had invested financially and mentally and was slated initially to do more than one competition.  Having to hold this off for an undetermined amount of time is not something that I have taken lightly.  It’s often caused a lot of resentment and made me feel very inadequate, especially with the transformation before and afters or almost nude woman that were bombarding my feed (blog 13: protect your peace. If it’s not inspiring to you, unfollow). Much of the resentment I have felt stems from the reasons I have had to hold back like…

Not fitting the mold

Being fairly new to the sport of bodybuilding, I believed (mistakenly) that standing on stage with all that muscle was a symbol of strength, tenacity, dedication and more.  I loved this idea. Some women are sparked by long lashes etc..,I appreciated muscles and looked forward to them showing up on my body. Unfortunately, I learned that in my current condition I don’t fit the mold of the industry. I am thick waisted genetically so no matter what I do, I don’t have a teeny itty bitty waist and then explode into boobs and ass like what’s trending. To continue to fit into the bikini category is like setting myself for failure each and every time as my blueprint fits more into a figure category. Guess what? I apparently am “too small” or underdeveloped in some areas for that.  Too big for one,  not big enough for another and there you have it I end up feeling rejected and stuck in between two molds. It’s like the heavy set girl busting out of a tutu.  Standards like this take away from the fitness and dedication required and make it seem like just another beauty pageant camouflaged in muscle. Let me go grab a slim jane from a beach, build her a big ass and then throw her on stage with her stick straight hair and crown her. What about the people that don’t look like that? Where do they go? Where do they fit in? People offended reading this will likely just sneer and say I’m just a “big” girl upset or assume like some people have already done that I eat crap all day.  No, I’m upset because regardless of what I look like right now or what they think I should look like, I still train like I’m going on stage and still eat like I have to go on stage and apply myself.  I need to feel  purpose. I need to feel a positive gain. After a while, waking up early, eating the same 5 foods daily and lifting, pushing or pulling obscene numbers when I could be doing a lot of other things, isn’t going to be fun and makes me lose my spark.  The same way single digit body fat is not sustainable, neither is that. I’m happy to have a fit lifestyle but there needs to be some incentive too.

Another reason I can’t get on stage, is that 

There’s a whole lot more to me….

This year compared to last, there is a whole lot more to me.  Literally and figuratively. I don’t know how I made it to the stage last year with everything I had going on, but I somehow did, but this year, I just have too much.  Growing a business with everything else that I have going on has eaten up most of my resources, time, energy and sanity. Last year, I used to rip off my apron and meet my posing teacher all disheveled on the weekend, then run back to work and continue. This year, you will not be able to get enough of a pose in front of a mirror long enough for me to notice my hair is a disaster (I also accepted that it will do it’s own thing…like the rebellious side of me).  I have two employments that I insist on doing well. One is a full blown career that I have invested most of my life in, the other my growing business that I would like to see thrive. But I also need to be a mom and a wife and many other things. My daughter needs to develop her own character and fitness, so I need to allow a venue and space to nurture that too. I also need to be healthy and my body has produced so much cortisol that I have had many setbacks health and fitness wise.  If I continue to push my limits, I will end up failing in many of these areas or getting sick.

My coaches and I have had many battles this past year not seeing eye to eye.  As much as part of me still holds some resentment, I appreciate that they are looking out for my well being and that they know I am hanging by a thread.  A few months ago I was told, “You can do anything but you can’t do everything” It’s taken a long time for me to see (although I still hate it) that it can all be done, at it’s right time, but not at the same time. There will always be a competition out there, but there will not always be an opportunity for me to grow my business.  Right now this booty doesn’t fit the mold, but then again, even within my business, I never aimed to be a typical cookie cutter.

The lights are dim until booty and biscotti can be center stage to shine.