I tanked. The judges really didn’t like me at the competition and post competition I’m not looking so great so I tanked.  A couple of months ago I wrote about being proud to stand on stage and looking how I did after so much hard work mentally and physically and after having to overcome so many hurdles.  I meant that. I am proud because I put in the work and did so much to get there. 

But that’s the point.  In this industry you need to constantly evolve and grow a thicker skin because it’s never good enough. The way you look is never enough and you will constantly be reminded of that. I was warned by many people even within the industry that the competition look is “not sustainable”.  Granted being at 10 percent body fat and under is not the norm which is the second issue:

What is normal?  

Better yet, what is my normal? If the weight is not sustainable then how is it that some people who aren’t even training at an athletic level look more shredded than I am?  Or why have some people been able to maintain a lower body fat with their reverse diet and not me? Some of these athletes are in this permanently “jacked” state. As for me, if I told a stranger that I competed in a bikini competition just 2 months ago they would likely laugh in my face. You’d never know it and many would be quick to just place me in the “bikini girl gone fat” category and take a look at the next pretty girl walking by and I’m part of an incredible team who have given me the proper tools and knowledge post competition but I’ve crashed partly from my own indulging and partly from my body having such intense issues. You see I lacked a lot of flexibility in my diet not necessarily due to the bodybuilding but the strict diet because of my allergies.  Trying to “reintroduce” has not had a positive impact on me. I’ve never been one to sit there and eat junk and crap food so when the rest of the athletes were occasionally having their crap cheat meals, I was careful yet I still didn’t look as good and now that I had a gelato I’m paying the piper big time. Eat and no good, don’t eat still no good. Shrug shoulders here….

I spent 3 weeks in Europe where I can attest that my ass was the only one that didn’t have cellulite on it, yet despite this I felt lousy in my bikini.  I’m not whining here but being 100 percent truthful and you can ask my husband who had to hear me constantly question where my muscle went. “It’s all there”, he’d say and roll back on his lawn chair leaving me to just sit in disbelief. I didn’t dare post any photos of me in fear I’d end up reposted #bikinifail or #bikinigirlgonefat. And there you have it the old wounds resurface. That feeling of always being the bigger one when standing in a bikini just like I used to feel.  Feeling annoyed because I couldn’t pack down 2 burgers and a large fry like the girl next to me that was all boobs and lashes. 

“The Dark Side”

I put up this post for many reasons. Not because I want any comments but simply to show that the act of bodybuilding and training is wonderful and empowering ( to me anyway) and the competition appears glamorous on that day but there is a dark side and this is it. Body image distortions, obsessions, poor self image; these are all things that are part of it if you’re not careful.  I don’t care how far we think we have come in society: this is still widely predominant among “females” and social media doesn’t help at all. I know in my case, I may have to consider doing some housekeeping, as I come to realize I really don’t need to open up my feed and see 20 girls in a row in their bikinis or thongs, not to mention it makes me look like a serious pervert when opening up my Instagram in public. I’m pretty bright (I know better) so if it can have an impact on me imagine what it does to younger girls. Food for thought here.. Are we really being “inspiring?”

“Stand Strong Baby Girl”

More importantly, I look at my daughter. The messages I want to convey to her.  I always valued character and intelligence more in a person anyway (ever notice how we tend to find people unattractive when they are unkind?)

I watched my daughter stand tall and strong in her “swimgear” on vacation. She has no idea about her body image..yet… She played in the sand, ran in her suit, bent and “folded herself” in all kinds of funny positions (many of us wouldn’t dare for fear of the “unflattering” positions) But she did and she squealed with delight and it was exhilarating to watch.  And at some point, I felt sad. Because we all started off that way and then we become critical and self conscious of ourselves and stopped. I wish we could all find that acceptance and comfort with ourselves no matter what. I wish that every woman could stand proud and strong just like the little girls do.

As for me, will I compete again? Yup. I’ll pay again to have someone nit pick at me, not because I really need to but because I have new goals and ideas that I need to see through for my own personal victory. But before that, I go back to the drawing board and face the girl in the mirror once more and work on my self acceptance and tell her to “Stand Strong” and maybe to be like the young child that we all once were: laughing and running in the sand.