“That’s not enough for me. I need more”, she said.

And so began an awkward conversation with a loved one.

Some people are very simple in their ways and content to live their life surrounded by few family members and friends, following basic routines.  They have what they need and if they wanted anything more they might likely not even be aware of it. I am grateful for the family and people that surround me, or the simplicity of the sun that shines and the smell of a good coffee. Despite all this I am very curious and need to be immersed in stimulating projects and ideas. It’s just who I am and who I need to be.

Many will argue that if you have your family and closest circle of friends this is all you need and this is all you should make room for.  While I think that your family should always take precedence, I think we deny ourselves a whole world of opportunities when we dim the lights on what surrounds us.

The Biased Perspective:

I’d like to counter the notion that family or long time friends know us best. They don’t always. Your family and friends don’t always know what’s good for you because they tend to look at you from a biased perspective and sometimes one that seems frozen in time.  It may be hard for them to see you in any other way than what you have been. Read that again and reflect. How many family dinners have you had where the the cards always play out the same way: the kid that needs to be taken care of will always be the one that needs caring for. If you studied law your whole life, they will always see you as a lawyer, so when you develop an interest, passion or talent in another area, they may just not understand it.  It may even feel like they want to stifle that part of you. I know. I’ve seen it happen to others and felt it myself. From the fierce advice about how to live your life to not even a word of encouragement from “friends” on your new endeavors. People do evolve, they grow, they change, they explore, they achieve, they succeed and they fail too but those around us are biased with the perceptions and sometimes miss out on the growth that happens. That perception keeps you locked up in a tiny box. If I listened to what some family and friends had to say I would have the second child for my first to play with, set aside any career ambitions I have and hang on for retirement and so on.  And that is their dream and not what I need. I sometimes can’t believe how the same two people that crossed the Atlantic ocean in the cargo part of a ship not knowing a single person in this country or the language, with 5 bucks in their pockets are so ridden with anxiety over how I want to live my life. In these moments where I feel like I am a disappointment to so many, I need a support group and need people around me that don’t know my history or have any expectations around me.

The Support Group

“If ever I had to put my eggs in someone’s basket, I’d choose yours”, she said.  This statement came from a wise woman I highly respect. She caught me off guard with her comment. If she only knew I was crying inside and felt like such a failure. So her comment was uplifting and appreciated and even more touching because she didn’t know how I felt, didn’t need to say what she did but that’s just how she sees me. I am honoured by her faith in me.

I have learned with time the importance of having a support group, the importance that people play in our life and the valuable wisdom and knowledge that can be imparted on us when we are receptive to it.  

When I encounter new people, a fire sparks up within me and I’m interested to learn how they see me without their biased view of the “teacher”, “wife”, “sibling” or other roles that I have in my life.  Some of these people may have come around as a fleeting conversation with a stranger that you never see again, some may be an acquaintance that you don’t know much about but they may be there at the right time or have said something you needed to hear. I’m highly intuitive and usually have a creepy but accurate sense about others. I’m rarely wrong but if I am wrong that’s okay too. Those people I’m wrong about are around to teach me something with time. Those new interactions can be the most insightful and inspiring moments of your day. Maybe not even for you but for them and you didn’t know it.

Maybe you’re the one person they can truly be themselves with. No judgments, no pretenses.

Maybe you’re the person that sees them for who they are.

Maybe you’re the one that listens to them when everyone else seems to tune them out.

Go out there and find more of those people. You’d be surprised at what they see in you, what they help you see and the beautiful interactions or lessons that can emerge. I truly believe that these encounters are present for a reason, for a season and if they matter that much to you, you’ll want these people around for a lifetime.

Most of all remember to be supportive to someone else when you can. You may be the lifeline they’ve been looking for or you may speak the words of wisdom they so desperately needed to hear.

I know when I felt I had nothing left in my tank there have been people that have unexpectedly poked around in my business, popped up and made me feel alive.  These people seen in the pictures below are just a few of the many that have come around when I am in my “sanctuary” (the gym). They may have been there to cheer me on, to push past the pain, have spoken “one more rep” or maybe shone a light on the parts of ourselves we didn’t know existed.  Some of them have literally helped the booty and biscotti journeys!

So as much as your family and long lasting friendships may be important, they were not present for those moments when you needed that nudge, redirection, push or support. Thank the ones that are there for you when you need them, even if silently, even if your words cannot be said out loud.

Be the best that you can be with your family and those you love but be open to life and the people around you. Because when you open your eyes to the world, you will always find the rare and refreshing. And that makes for a better version of you.

 

(Photos: Handy Hilaire, Laurie Modugno, “Tony”, Kosta Tsakiris)