They gave her that look with a smile. It almost looked pitiful and to anyone else it would likely go unnoticed but not to her. “They think I’m going to lose”, she thought. She didn’t need to ask or confront them. She knew because she recognized the look in their eyes. It was the same look she saw when she looked at herself in the mirror. The same doubt. I don’t know what hurt more the fact that they didn’t think she stood a chance or that she herself didn’t have enough faith in herself.
“How do you compare to the other girls”, he asked. And so began the cut throat comparisons.
“Cut throat Comparisons”
The past few weeks I have been hurled into a wide range of mental states in regards to this upcoming competition from excitement, nervousness, pride, and even discouragement. I have the best physique I’ve ever had in my life, yet I felt awful these past few weeks. After amazing support from my team (Team Ludachris) and my biggest cheerleaders, I decided that things needed to be a little different and I need to support myself. It’s a tough sport to begin with, a tougher industry and you need the toughest mindset to get through.
My best friend and I used to joke about people coming out of their cocoons in the spring which has been the case for the past ten weeks leading up to this competition. The size of the competition has really exploded, the calibre of athletes has changed significantly and so has the social media posts around it. It’s like a giant pissing contest with posts coming in every day or so with people announcing their presence, guaranteeing their victory, revenge and what not. I’ve even had complete strangers across the sea asking me for photos of my progress as if their opinion holds some mighty power. As like any competitive activity in life, you have the quiet ones and the louder ones. You have the ones that are in it for themselves and some that have some big chip on their shoulder. Whatever the case may be, I’m not one to get caught up in social media and spend hours comparing, scrutinizing or judging others but lately I have to admit I have had plenty of moments where I’ve experienced a whole array of negative feelings just by looking at the comparison. The whole line up of females out there right now that I have to stand beside on the day of the competition would be enough to make most people throw in the towel and call it a day. Stay home and eat a cookie instead. But after some wallowing (I have to admit this one dragged on a bit longer than my usual) I had had enough.
“You against You”
Everyone has to start somewhere. So my starting point is going out beside the “big dogs” Let them talk, mock or gawk. Whatever they have to say won’t change what I have put into this sport and the timeline I’ve done it in. I am not only referring to the consistent daily exercise and diet but all the other ways I have sacrificed and invested into this journey. The most important person that needs to acknowledge this right now is myself.
I’ve hard to work hard on my mental state of mind to tune out the noise and stay focused on me. Because I matter. Maybe not to anyone else but for myself. These are just some of the lessons that I have had to and am still learning. There are going to be plenty of beautiful women out there. Whether we are talking about physical attributes or characteristics or even skill sets, there will always be someone who may have a little more, or that brings a better package to the table. The only comparison we should truly be doing is within ourselves: Where did we begin? Where are we now? Have we evolved? Have we made gains? Have we done our best? What can we do next time?
If someone like me can get caught up in this web of inferiority, imagine our youth. The youth that lack the wisdom and experience to get through much of the “visual pollution” on their feeds that clouds their judgment and taints their confidence. As a teacher, I see and hear how often people wait around for the approval, feedback and validation of other people. I see this even more among the young girls out there. How they obsess over who saw their posts, liked a photo or gave them a compliment. How much power they give to others. How they base their worth on the thoughts of others and how crushed they are when they don’t seem to live up to someone else’s standards. But that’s the thing you will never please everyone and at the end of the day your worth and validation needs to stem from within. If there is something I would want our youth to know is to always compete for yourself and against yourself and to become the beholder.
“Become the beholder”
They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder so become the beholder. This way you don’t need to depend on someone else validating you or being at someone else’s mercy to feel loved and worthy. When you are the beholder you will always find a way to love yourself and when you don’t your goal will be to grow in that area and not to seek approval from others.
I will be judged mercilessly on that day. There will be a number and ranking put on me and it may not be in my favour. I may even want to cry at some point because I truly want to “place” well but I will certainly not crumble over someone else’s assessment of me. Despite the outcome, I already win because day in and day out I’ve put in the work and time and that makes me a winner already. Each day, I followed my diet, pushed through one more rep, added more weight and did so many things in preparation for me stepping on that stage. No matter what happens, I already achieved a prize: my transformation and my growth. I earned it and so can you.
“Trust me”, she said.
Booty & Biscotti 