“Do you ever walk in heels?”, she asked in disbelief.

“What’s wrong with the way I’m walking?”, she thought.  It wasn’t until she watched it on video that her mouth gaped open and thought, “Oh hell I look like that?!!!”

So there it is. I apparently can’t walk in heels. Let’s clarify.  I walk and move around a lot. Or if you read one of my last blogs about time you know I’m pretty much literally running around, dashing through one place to another like Tazmanian Devil.  And I do it in heels all the time. I am no stranger to heels. In fact, I detest feet but have a shoe(heels) obsession. I have jumped over furniture in heels, walked on Roman cobblestone all day, refereed a soccer game and my bestie can vouch I have sprinted at least 500 m in heels to catch a bus like it was nothing.  

That is until this particular shoe entered my life. Don’t ever introduce me to the person that invented this shoe as I may be tempted to stab them in the eye. Worst shoe of all time. Even worse than the walk and the shoe itself, is posing, or what I have now called this part of my day posing hell. You see the bodybuilding competition is not only about how you look. The judges don’t care what you did or how hard you worked to get there. There is a marketing component as they want you to flaunt yourself like a peacock, twisting your body painfully and unnaturally in the worst shoe of life. Oh and smile! (I’m gritting my teeth here like a very angry dog) Of course you want to also ensure to balance this off looking the right amount of sultry, confident and not shady if you know where I’m going…Are you throwing in the towel yet? If so I don’t blame you!

I quietly thank my coach for not talking much about this part back at the end of the summer when I decided to compete. I don’t think I would have stuck around.  There are two obstacles I am aiming to conquer on this journey. It’s not the diet and not the fitness. It’s posing. Posing hell. I have an even greater appreciation and respect to these ladies in the sport as many of them are able to move so fluidly in their poses. My posing teacher (yup I had to hire one as I’m that pitiful) can move any which way like water and make you gawk.  This is not the case for a Plain Jane like me. If you’ve seen Miss Congeniality you know that this clumsy rough edged woman required an entire squad to get all glamorous and be graceful. Getting glammed up can be fun but I need a miracle at this point for the posing.

Although the posing moves are unnatural and the shoe has me feeling like the stepsisters in Cinderella, the root of the problem runs far deeper than the shoe but has more to do with an individual’s presence and confidence.  I have not ever been one to demand attention or have all eyes on me. Even in the past, I did not gyrate my hips on the dance floor. I was too busy socializing and drinking with the wolf pack at the bar. I could hold my own and carry on a conversation about anything and nothing with anyone and everyone and I make a great wing man but then it stops there. No one paid much attention to me other than my impressive skills (I’ve been bone dry for a very long time now no need to worry) and I just grew up assuming people didn’t care to pay attention to me anyway.  I’m not upset about this at all; just simply stating the facts. That being said, I can walk into a room and own it and not be tongue tied but if I have to try to shine in a physical way, I can cower in an instant. Some people don’t struggle with this and can be so pompous you want to puke. Recently, if you were a fly on the wall, you would have seen two girls walk into the space where I was posing, strip out of their clothes like it was nothing and turn and twist around without blinking.  What was I doing? Trying to quickly get back into my clothes in a corner all the while screaming in my head, “Dammit girl get it together your momma made you decent looking!”

So these next weeks need to be about self acceptance: Who am I? Where am I now? Reflection: How have I grown? What do I need to do next to improve?, and self love.  Before I can even dive deeper into confidence, I have to go put those awful shoes on and strike a pose.