Women around the world define themselves in many different ways but many unfortunately still do not ever have an opportunity to define themselves as they wish. We continue to be told to be a certain way, are confined to so many unspoken norms and rules and continue to be exposed to harsh judgements that continue to mark us.  In recent decades, women have made great gains and accomplished wonderful things and we have many influential women to thank for this. Let us celebrate those moments of achievement and strive to do even more.

Despite these moments there remains the reality that there is much work to be done but let’s not be so quick to always think it’s the males that need to improve. I believe there is much improvement that can be done within our female counterparts.  Having always gotten along well, if not better with men (bet some of you are already judging that one), some of my own put-down moments reside in interactions with other women. Rather than trying to stifle people or demand they conform, we can all learn to be more uplifting towards each other. Not because we are gaining something but to have genuine and sincere happiness for each other and a true appreciation for what every woman brings to the table.  See that’s the thing that many women don’t get. We all don’t have to bring the same thing to the table.

My past year has consisted of a lot of inner turmoil about whether to have a second child or not.  In fact, during my first pregnancy I hand selected many baby items that were neutral in colour or chose things that I thought would be useful for “two” babies but then some changes happened.  While I have my own inner critic to deal with, I have been insulted, judged, ridiculed and shamed at least once per month for having one child and not another. Sadly, all coming from the strong voices of women.  There seems to be a lot more understanding towards couples who have no kids to not bring up the topic at all. People seem to know that it’s not polite to ask incase the couple can’t conceive. But once you’ve had a child?  It seems like it’s fair game for anyone to comment. I have been called, “selfish” , told that having only one child is wrong, that I cannot leave her alone, “you can’t do that to her”, “oh you’re one of those work people” and more.  Some women love to share their words of wisdom and will often share that I should have more children. Yet in between their advice they are complaining about how hard their life is and everything they are giving up.  I truly don’t feel uplifted and often stare and think “and I would want to be financially broke, exhausted etc….because???”  Or  I hear the infamous story or Instagram moments of the wonderful entrepreneur they know who has three kids, 2 cats and a big house. In those moments I think is this supposed to be “how to feel like a failure” conversation or an uplifting conversation? While I have always appreciated candor in people as I am fairly honest myself, these comments are really not uplifting or inspiring in any way.  Interestingly, as a woman I seem to be “blamed”. Noone has ever said, “Your husband is so selfish” in those conversations. Or when the conversation comes up with my husband’s network, people don’t remark “Dude, you’re such a jerk. Have another kid!” Funny isn’t it? It has always been assumed that I am solely responsible when in fact both partners in a relationship are responsible for the choice of bringing another family member into the world.  

Raising children is a huge responsibility, one that I take seriously and if having another child means that I cannot fulfill my responsibilities in the way that I want to or value then I don’t see why I have to.  I want to teach my daughter good values and about love, happiness, strength and balance.  I want her to be fierce and smart and so many wonderful things and I want her to be proud of her gender and feel good with her choices.  As a woman what I have to bring to the table is dedication and passion, which I share not only with my family but with everyone else’s children in the field of education where I work.  

So while we should celebrate women’s accomplishments, let’s also recognize that we need to value ourselves and embrace the females in our network, our differences and the qualities we bring to the table rather than the number of children that we have.  The next time you want to comment on someone’s family or choices, think about whether your comment would be helpful, inspiring or uplifting. If it’s not then sit tight and work on being the woman you want to be and let me take care of the woman I want to be.  It might take me a whole lifetime to figure things out but I am no less of a woman in the meantime.

Photocredit: http://bigthink.com/think-tank/what-it-will-take-to-get-more-women-at-the-table